What to Expect from Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy, as the name suggests, is an opportunity for romantic partners to learn how to discuss, resolve, and understand difficulties within their relationships. 

It gives couples a safe and healthy environment in which they can be vulnerable and validated by their partners and therapists. 

Couples therapy allows for each person to actively listen to the other and work toward a healthy solution for their difficulties. 

There are many different kinds of couples therapy and finding which one works for you is beneficial for you and your partner. 

Check out our blog on “What is Couples Therapy and How Will it Help” for more details on couples therapy and specific types.

Common Misconceptions about Couples Therapy

Most people probably assume couples therapy shouldn’t be needed. That it is only for the couples on the brink of catastrophe. Some may even go so far as to say, “We shouldn’t be arguing because we love one another.” These assumptions are entirely false and frankly unhealthy to believe in. 

You and your partner are two different people. With different histories and familial relations, and most importantly different ways of dealing with, and resolving conflict. 

Couples therapy aims to help you and your partner navigate these turbulent times with a fresh set of eyes. 

You don’t need to be on the brink of disaster to seek help either! It’s incredibly important that you do what you feel is best for yourself and your relationship when considering counselling.

Most Common Reasons People go to Couples Therapy

Deciding to seek help with your relationships is a decision entirely up to you and your partner. Here are some reasons other couples find it helpful to seek counselling. 

1. Difficulty Communicating

Some couples find it difficult to communicate. Whether that be in a conflict or outside of it. This could be due to a variety of factors. Most commonly it’s the difference in how one or the other was raised. Their parents own communication styles creating habits within themselves that they don’t know how to break. By seeking help for communication your therapist will help you walk through scenarios and come up with good solutions to those situations and arguments.

2. Addiction 

Use of dangerous substances can interfere with couples or families. It is often most difficult for the person using these substances to acknowledge that it’s causing harm to their families and loved ones as well. Seeking help during these times either individually or as a couple will help strengthen family ties in the long run. 

3. Trouble with the Children 

Parenting is incredibly difficult, no one in the world would question that. However, sometimes it can even take a toll on your relationship with your spouse. If you’re both suffering from a lack of sleep or perhaps having difficulty with a particular child this can put a strain on even the strongest couples. Therapy can help you identify the difficulties you're having and learn ways to work through them. 

4. Lack of Trust 

When trust is broken in a romantic relationship, it can be difficult to gain it back on your own. This breach of trust doesn’t need to be recent; it could've happened years ago but the problem continues to persist. Couples counselling can help identify certain cycles or behaviour which brings one person or the other back to that place where their trust was broken. This can help the couple understand how they’re hurting the other and learn ways to avoid that. 

5. Learning how to Improve their Relationship 

There may be nothing inherently wrong with your relationship; you could just be looking at a way to avoid certain issues becoming larger or even just learning ways you can both improve. Learning how to be better partners can benefit any relationship in the long run and therapy can help you do that. 

What does a Couples Therapy Session Look Like?

The first session will be focused on helping the counsellor understand why you’re seeking therapy. 

Your therapist will listen to both perspectives in order to understand the best way to help the situation. 

Oftentimes, as stated previously, couples tend to seek out therapy after having children. This is not directly related to the kids themselves but more so previously occurring problems becoming more apparent. When you are experiencing a lack of sleep or time for yourself, arguments you would’ve moved past previously become more significant. 

Some questions to expect during your first session include: 

● What are things you like most about your relationship? 

● What are the things you most want to change? 

● How often do you argue?

○ What are those arguments usually about? 

○ Describe the most recent argument. How did it start/end? 

○ Who is the first to attempt to make things better? 

By using these questions your therapist will gain a better understanding of your relationship and what you’re like as a couple. 

Some therapists will then follow up session one with individual sessions. This isn’t a common practice but helps some therapists develop a good rapport with both individuals without making one person feel like their therapist is favouring the other. 

The main thing to remember when you start couples therapy is that you and your partner are uniting to fight a common enemy. 

This enemy will be called “The cycle,” for the purpose of this blog. 

The cycle emphasizes that not one person is always at fault for arguments or negative situations. Your therapist will work with you to identify your cycle and make you aware of it. 

By becoming aware you are then able to learn better coping or conflict resolution skills to deal with the cycle. 

You will try out different ways of working through arguments with your therapist to see if there is a way you can both stop the cycle from continuously recurring. 

It’s important that both you and your partner are able to connect with your therapist. It will make it easier to discuss difficult topics when you’re both in a situation with which you are comfortable.

What do you Learn in Couples Therapy?

You will also learn how to identify and process your feelings. 

Oftentimes in therapy when your therapist asks you, “How did that make you feel?” You are more likely to vocalize your thoughts on the situation rather than the actual feelings you felt during it. 

By learning how to identify your feelings, you and your partner are more likely to be able to understand where the other one is coming from. 

An Example of Couples Therapy

Let’s say Jane and Jim are a married couple and have been struggling lately. Jim grew up in a home where vocalizing your feelings was not a thing men were supposed to do. Jane grew up in a house where she was able to express her feelings no matter what. 

When Jane and Jim get into fights Jane becomes emotional and Jim shuts down. He doesn’t vocalize his feelings and waits until Jane's mood passes. 

In therapy, their therapist asks Jane, “How did that most recent argument make you feel?”

Previously Jane would have said, “I thought it wasn’t fair of Jim to not talk to me when I was upset.” Jim would have become upset at this comment as he felt he was under attack for coping the way that he was taught to. 

After learning how to identify her emotions Jane now answers the question by saying, “I felt neglected and that Jim didn’t want to hear that I was upset again which made me feel like I shouldn’t express my feelings when I’m not doing well.” 

Jim would then be able to understand why she responded in the way she did as he may not have realized his responses caused those sort of feelings in Jane. 

Who is the Real Client? 

One of the main apprehensions to entering couples therapy could be the worry that one person will be the target. 

You may assume that if therapy was your idea your therapist may favour you and blame your problems on your spouse. 

This is often not the case. 

The real client who is the focus of couples therapy is the relationship itself.

The focus of the sessions and the target of your work and energy is going to go towards healing the relationship. 

Will Couples Therapy Solve all of your Problems? 

Therapy, like most things, is a lot of work. If you want a positive outcome you have to put in the work to get there. 

A university survey estimates that an average of 49% of married couples end up in couples therapy at some point in their relationships. 

Of that percentage research shows that couples therapy has a positive impact on 70% of those receiving treatment. 

Couples therapy is not a quick fix. It won’t magically erase all of your problems but it will equip you with the tools to better deal with them in the future. 

It will give you the aid and helping hand you’ve been needing to work through conflicts, and hopefully positively impact you too!

Where can you get Help?

Toronto Therapy Practice has many fantastic couples therapists ready to help with all of your needs! 

If you’re curious about whether or not we’d be the right fit, feel free to book a free 20 minutes consultation.