What is the Most Effective Form of Couples Therapy and Why?
Knowing when is the right time to seek couples counselling is going to be very different for everyone. You have to remember you’re deciding to seek help with your partner and you should both be ready to do so if the time comes.
7 Common Reasons to Seek Couples Therapy
1. Unhealthy Patterns of Conflict
Conflict is normal and frankly a healthy part of all relationships. The problem begins when you and your partner's conflict becomes pattern based. There is a trigger and a reason you keep circling back to it. In seeking therapy you are able to find the source of this cycle and work through it with your therapist.
2. Difficulties Communicating
Each person is their own individual. They grew up in different environments, they deal with situations in a different way. Sometimes communicating these differences can be a huge challenge for couples. A therapist will help you find healthy ways to feel and communicate your feelings.
3. Lack of Sexual Intimacy
Regardless of where the issue comes from, a therapist will help you navigate these grounds. They will help you comfortably and in a safe space navigate the realms of difficulty and work through them as a team. Focusing on various aspects of physical and sexual intimacy.
4. Stressful Life Events
These can be any number of events: a new baby, difficulties at work, personal struggles with mental health. Whatever the event, sitting down with a therapist can help you and your partner traverse this rocky terrain and come through it with a new set of tools to use to make your relationship work.
5. Differing Attachment Styles
There are two main different attachment styles: secure and insecure. Within the insecure bracket of attachment styles there are the following sub attachment styles. Those are avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. You and your partner could have very different attachment styles. This forces you to respond in certain ways in situations that may not be optimal for the other person. A therapist will help you understand each other's attachment styles and perhaps get to the root of your own so you may work through it.
6. Infidelity
Affairs will naturally put a strain on relationships. They break trust and can be a very hard thing to work through completely on your own. A therapist can find the major issues in the relationship and try to use those as a way to heal the relationship so that an affair won’t occur again in the future.
7. Substance Use
Substance use not only puts a major stress onto the person struggling with substances but their loved ones. They often don’t realize the magnitude with which their family members are affected. By seeking help for you and your family you may be able to start working toward a healthier life.
So now you’ve decided that you do want to seek therapy. You and your partner had that difficult conversation and both agreed this is the best thing for your relationship. What next? How do you decide what kind of therapy is right for you?
Let’s first take a bit of a dive into the different kinds of therapy techniques which are available.
5 Types of Therapy Used in Couples Counselling
1. Reflective Listening
Reflective listening is a slowed down conversation which requires both parties to ignore their own thoughts and responses and tune into each other's needs. Both partners have to be ready to resolve the issue as a team, not one being right and the other wrong.
2. Emotion Focussed Therapy (EFT)
This type of therapy was developed by Dr. Susan Johnson. Dr. Johnson wanted her technique to focus on all of the feelings her clients felt. She found that during arguments or conflict one partner or the other would revert to a more logical route of communication. Though this can sometimes be good, it also leaves the person feeling the feelings to think that they are invalid. EFT brings in the concept of attachment theory. It also puts a lot of weight on the feelings of being ignored or absconded which result in sometimes dramatic, emotional responses, which both people in the relationship struggle with.
3. Narrative Therapy
This is a great form of therapy for those who enjoy storytelling or acting. It was initially a technique used for family therapy using methods which externalize conflicts that came from within the relationship. This allows them to take a step back and really try to solve the problem together and it allows couples to rewrite past experiences and acknowledge the issue at hand. It gives you the opportunity to rewrite a healthier narrative with your therapist and keep that narrative in mind for future conflicts.
4. Solution-Focused Therapy
If the name wasn’t obvious enough, solution-focused therapy is a short-term goal-focused therapeutic system. It incorporates principles often found in positive psychology. It focuses on hope for the future and positive outlook. Ultimately, this type of therapy sets a goal for you and your partner to decide on and work toward together.
5. Gottman Method
The Gottman method uses affection, respect, and intimacy as a way to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. It focuses on the use of teamwork and emphasizes that a perfect ending isn’t always the goal. It includes an extensive assessment which allows you and your partner to strengthen your connection and feelings toward one another.
Why is EFT the “best”?
EFT is often the favoured method by couples and therapists alike. This is for a variety of reasons, one of which we touched on earlier with the use of attachment theory. It uses the theory to explain that security in relationships can make or break them. Working through security can help many couples get back on the right track to a healthy relationship.
EFT tries to restore relationships on an emotional level. Allowing each other to navigate each other's emotions.
It states that in understanding why a partner feels a certain way and in accepting those emotions you can move forward.
With a therapist, couples are able to meet that need for closeness which has been missing. They are able to safely and comfortably be vulnerable with each other, allowing for the creation of new dialogues and ways to resolve conflict.
EFT puts a lot of stress on the fear of abandonment, focusing on how this fear causes a lot of internal and external conflict within a couple. Similarly, it believes that insecurities can be the root of many of the arguments couples experience.
This can be an extremely difficult issue to resolve without a therapist. Different attachment styles cause difficulty communicating and neither one fully understands why they respond the way they do during a conflict.
EFT is also a very highly reputable individual therapy method.
When it comes to couples, it facilitates a safe place where those who are dealing with those insecurities or fears can vocalize them without restraint. By vocalizing these unmet needs a therapist can help your partner meet them. If you are unable to communicate your fears because even sometimes you may not be fully aware of them, EFT might be helpful for you.
It really emphasizes the innate human need for closeness and the desire to be close to your partner but the difficulties in doing that which often come from attachment styles are the focus of EFT.
It provides you and your partner with a system to work though your distress and conflict and further your connection and emotional bonds.
How does EFT work?
Emotion focused therapy has nine different steps which are found in three different stages. They are used to help couples work through their conflicts.
3 Stages of EFT
1. De-escalation and Assessment
In stage one, therapists focus on working with the couples to identify their patterns. What cycles are they involved in? Dr. Johnson specifically calls this cycle a dance but we at Toronto Therapy Practice will stick with the cycle. Within this stage, your therapist helps you identify those underlying fears or insecurities and become more comfortable sharing them. By being able to experience these emotions and communicate them, your arguments and conflict will be a little easier to work through as you now have an understanding of each other's emotions.
Step 1: Assessment of the conflict and figure out what causes them
Step 2: Find the cycle
Step 3: Get a little more deep with your partner and therapist and share those fears and insecurities that cause each side of the cycle
Step 4: Develop an understanding and experience of the cycle and learn how to navigate it and the emotions which go along with it
2. Changing Interaction Patterns and Bonding
Once you’ve identified your cycle and worked through it a couple of times with your therapist you can now start to repair it at home. This stage focuses on those bonding moments, on being able to connect and understand your partner on a deeper level.
Step 5: Spend more time focusing on those parts of yourself you haven’t allowed your partner to see
Step 6: Promote tender moments when those parts are being shared
Step 7: Focus on being able to express needs and wants that restructure the cycle
3. Consolidation and Integration of Change
Once you as a couple have bonded and found a way to reformulate events and arguments you can learn to be more secure with each other. You will, in this stage, hopefully start feeling like partners again: a team that can work against the cycle together.
Step 8: Facilitate the use of those new solutions
Step 9: Find new ways to resolve conflicts and the cycle. Focus on being emotional and close with one another again
Is Emotion Focused Therapy for you?
You and your partner must decide which therapy technique will work best for you and the issue you’re trying to resolve.
Our talented and compassionate team at Toronto Therapy Practice can help!
Feel free to book a free consultation and see if EFT is for you.
