Our Path to Parenthood: What Fertility Therapy Really Looks Like for LGBTQ+ Families

Photo supplied by Jessica Walker and captured by Lorenza Tessari Photography

As a same-sex couple, we knew we would need a little extra help when it came time for children.

In fact, before we had even had the, “What are we?” chat, we discussed kids: Do we both want them? Which one of us would carry? Are we open to IVF?

Lucky for me, we were aligned with all of our answers.

This conversation took place back in 2016; fast forward to 2022, my wife and I were newlyweds and officially starting the process of having children—quickly discovering how that conversation was actually going to come to life. We found ourselves contacting our fertility clinic, eager to understand what the first steps would be.

We had already made some big decisions: I would be the one to carry our children, and we planned for two—one with my egg and one with my wife’s. We knew we needed a donor but hadn’t yet chosen one. We also knew we would need to go through assisted reproductive technology, including IUI (intrauterine insemination), IVF (in vitro fertilization), and ultimately, RIVF (reciprocal in vitro fertilization), where my wife’s embryos would be transferred into my uterus. While we had a general understanding of what the process would entail, the intricate details were still a mystery to us.

Step 1 – Testing: The First Hurdle

The first step was undergoing a series of tests to assess our fertility. We both had AMH blood tests, which measured our ovarian reserve—essentially telling us how many viable eggs we had left. It was a simple and relatively inexpensive test, giving us a clearer picture of our reproductive health.

Since I would be carrying our baby, I also had to undergo an HSG test (hysterosalpingogram)—a procedure where a balloon is inflated in the uterus to check its ability to expand, followed by a dye injection to ensure my fallopian tubes were clear. While the test itself sounded intimidating, the bigger challenge was actually scheduling it. We had to wait for the first day of my cycle, call various hospitals, and hope to secure an appointment within a 72-hour window. It took four months before we were finally able to book it.

Step 2 – Deciding Between IUI and RIVF

Initially, we considered IUI (intrauterine insemination), where sperm is directly inserted into the uterus. It was a much cheaper option, but the success rate was only around 15% per cycle. Given the financial and emotional investment, we wanted to increase our chances as much as possible.

That’s when we turned to reciprocal IVF (RIVF), where my wife’s eggs would be retrieved, fertilized in a lab, and then transferred into my uterus. Though it was significantly more expensive, the success rate was closer to 60%. After much discussion, we decided to move forward with RIVF, knowing it would give us the best chance at a successful pregnancy.

Step 3 – Choosing a Donor: A Decision That Would Shape Our Family

One of the most exciting yet daunting steps was choosing a sperm donor—the person who would contribute half of our child’s genetic makeup. We had a long list of criteria: we wanted him to resemble both of us, be intelligent, have a stable career, and most importantly, be an open donor—meaning our child would have the option to contact him when they turned 18.

But beyond the medical and genetic considerations, we needed to feel a personal connection. That’s when we came up with a simple but surprisingly effective rule: Would we feel comfortable asking this person for directions if we were lost? It sounds unconventional, but it helped us assess whether they seemed approachable and trustworthy. The moment we saw the right donor, we just knew—he looked familiar, kind, and felt like the perfect fit.

Step 4 – The IVF Fertility Journey: Hormones, Injections, and Hope

With our donor selected, it was time to begin the IVF process. My wife started two weeks of hormone injections, with three shots per day to stimulate her ovaries. Since I have a fear of needles, she bravely handled all of them herself while I provided emotional support.

After two weeks, we went in for an ultrasound to monitor her follicle growth. Everything was progressing well, and soon after, she received her trigger shot, which prepared her body for egg retrieval. Two days later, the procedure was performed, and the doctors retrieved several eggs. Out of those, two embryos successfully developed and were ready for transfer.

Step 5 – The Embryo Transfer: The Final Step

When the big day arrived, I prepared for my embryo transfer by having acupuncture sessions—one 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after—which has been shown to improve implantation success rates. After the transfer, we followed a lighthearted LGBTQ+ fertility tradition: eating McDonald’s fries, believed to bring good luck and boost implantation success.

Then came the dreaded two-week wait (TWW)—a period filled with hope, anxiety, and constant symptom-spotting. We were advised to wait nine days post-transfer before testing, but I caved at day seven and took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning. A very faint positive appeared. The joy in that moment was indescribable.

Each day, the line on the test grew darker. A blood test soon confirmed it—I was officially pregnant! At five weeks, we saw our tiny embryo nestled safely inside my uterus, with a strong, healthy heartbeat. Throughout my pregnancy, I drank beet, watermelon, and ginger juice, believing it would help the embryo stick.

A Dream Realized: The Birth of Our Daughter

After 41 weeks and two days, my wife and I welcomed our beautiful seven-pound, 10-ounce baby girl, Lennon, into the world. The road to motherhood was long and complex, but every needle, every appointment, and every moment of waiting was worth it.

Looking back, our fertility journey was anything but straightforward, but it taught us resilience, patience, and the power of partnership. If I could give one piece of advice to those starting their own journey, it would be this: seek support. Whether it’s through couples therapy, individual counselling, or leaning on friends and family, having an emotional outlet is crucial. Fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum bring a whirlwind of emotions, and staying connected can make all the difference.

Click the button below to book a free consultation with Toronto Therapy Practice—a team specializing in fertility, (in)fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum counselling.