“I feel like a bad mom” – Breaking Down the Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts
Between 70 to 100% of new mothers report experiencing unwanted intrusive thoughts about infant harm. These thoughts are sudden, unwanted, and involuntary, typically centring around your baby's wellbeing. While deeply distressing, they're a common part of the postpartum experience.
Understanding the Two Parts of Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts
The Nature of the Thoughts
"What if" scenarios about accidental harm
Fears about basic care and safety
Worries about bonding and competence
The Emotional Response
Anxiety and fear
Overwhelming guilt
Deep shame
Self-doubt and questioning
Common Intrusive Thoughts New Mothers Experience
"What if I accidentally drop the baby?"
"What if I can't protect them enough?"
"What if I'm not bonding properly?"
"What if I'm not cut out for this?"
Important Note: If you experience persistent thoughts about deliberately harming your baby or yourself, please seek immediate medical attention. These could be signs of postpartum psychosis or severe postpartum OCD and require professional intervention.
The "Bad Mom" Phenomenon: Why You're Not Alone
Cultural Pressure and Social Media
The perfect Instagram mom doesn’t exist. Those carefully curated social media posts often show highlight reels rather than the full reality of motherhood. In truth, real motherhood is filled with messy moments, uncertainty, and a lot of learning through trial and error. It’s a journey that includes both tears and joy, reminding us that perfection isn’t the goal—embracing the ups and downs of the experience is.
The Impact of Sleep Deprivation and Hormones
After giving birth, hormonal fluctuations can significantly impact a person’s mental state. Levels of estrogen and progesterone drop rapidly after delivery, which can lead to emotional changes such as bouts of crying, heightened anxiety, irritability, and feelings of sadness. While these changes are common during the postpartum period, it is important to recognize when symptoms persist beyond what is typical.
If anxiety becomes chronic, for instance, manifesting as an inability to leave the baby with others or constant worry, it may indicate a deeper concern. Similarly, if feelings of overwhelming sadness continue long after the initial "baby blues" period, it’s essential to consider the possibility of a more serious issue, such as postpartum depression or anxiety. These symptoms, if left unaddressed, can worsen over time and should be tended to promptly.
It’s important to allow yourself and your body time to adjust to the significant changes that come with childbirth. However, if you find that you’re struggling to feel like yourself, seeking support from a counsellor or therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Talking to a neutral third party can provide a safe space to express fears and challenges about parenthood without the added weight of shame or guilt that may arise when discussing these concerns with a partner. Professional support can help navigate this transition with greater clarity and compassion.
Breaking Free from the Guilt Cycle
Practical Strategies for Coping
Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a friend
Acknowledge that being "good enough" is actually perfect
Remember that mistakes are opportunities for growth
Build Your Village
Connect with other new mothers
Join local parenting groups
Consider therapy or counselling
Share your feelings with trusted friends and family
Lean on your partner for support
Set Realistic Expectations
Define what "success" looks like for YOU
Create manageable daily goals
Celebrate small victories
Practice Mindfulness and Grounding
Try this simple grounding exercise when intrusive thoughts arise
Take five deep breaths
Name five things you can see
Focus on four things you can touch
Notice three things you can hear
Identify two things you can smell
Note one thing you can taste
Supporting Your Partner Through This Journey
Partners play a crucial role in supporting postpartum mental health by fostering open communication about feelings and fears, ensuring that both individuals feel heard and understood. Sharing responsibilities, such as nighttime duties, when possible, can alleviate stress and promote a sense of teamwork during this challenging time. Creating space for self-care is equally important, allowing the birthing parent to recharge and prioritize their well-being. Above all, partners should remember that recovery—both physical and emotional—takes time, and providing patience and understanding can make a significant difference in navigating the postpartum period together.
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider reaching out to a mental health professional if:
Intrusive thoughts persist or worsen
Anxiety interferes with daily activities
You're having trouble bonding with your baby
The "baby blues" last longer than two weeks
You feel overwhelmed by guilt or shame
Cultural Perspectives on Motherhood
It’s important to recognize that expectations of motherhood can vary widely across cultures and generations, shaped by traditions, societal norms, and family values. What one culture or family views as essential in parenting may differ significantly from another, and these expectations can sometimes create pressure or feelings of inadequacy. However, amidst these varying perspectives, what matters most is focusing on the fundamentals that ensure a healthy and nurturing environment for both you and your baby.
Your baby’s safety and well-being should always be a priority, as every decision you make as a parent should support their growth, development, and happiness. Equally important is your own mental and physical health. Parenthood is a demanding journey, and taking care of yourself is not a luxury—it’s a necessity to be the best parent you can be. Whether it’s seeking emotional support, prioritizing rest, or addressing health concerns, your well-being directly influences your ability to care for your child.
Finally, finding a parenting style that works for your unique family is key. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood; what works for one family may not work for another. Whether it’s a blend of traditional methods, modern practices, or a mix of both, your parenting style should reflect the values, needs, and dynamics of your family. Trust your instincts, seek advice when needed, and remember that motherhood is as much about flexibility and growth as it is about love and care.
Resources and Support
If you're struggling, you're not alone. Help is available:
Postpartum Support International Helpline: 1-800-944-4773
Local crisis lines:
Distress Line (416) 408-HELP (4357) - www.torontodistresscentre.com
ConnexOntario 1-866-531-2600 - www.connexontario.ca
Mobile Crisis Gerstein Crisis Centre - www.gersteincentre.org
Your health care provider
Toronto Therapy Practice
Remember: Seeking help isn't a sign of weakness or failure - it's a sign of strength and wisdom. You're doing the best you can, and that's exactly what your baby needs.
At Toronto Therapy Practice, we're here to support you through this journey. Whether you need someone to talk to, strategies for coping with intrusive thoughts, or help processing your emotions, our team is ready to help you navigate this chapter with compassion and understanding.
