Coping with Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss
Approximately 15 to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Though this is a high percentage, pregnancy and infant loss are not talked about enough.
Pregnancy and infant loss can lead to a plethora of further difficulties in your personal life.
It’s really important to know that miscarriages, and infant loss are not controllable. There is nothing you can do differently that would change the outcome.
One of the hardest parts of coping with the loss is the guilt that the birthing parent feels surrounding it.
There is nothing you could have done, so be kind to yourself and understand that this is a long process that you will get through. A timeline is unimportant; your mental and physical health is the priority.
The Difference Between Grief and Depression
Grief is what we feel when coping with a loss. A lot of times when dealing with a loss people wonder if they’re “grieving correctly.” The truth is, there is no correct way to grieve.
Grief is accompanied by many physical symptoms as well as psychological and emotional symptoms. Grief is an incredibly personalized experience. Everyone handles it differently and it depends on varying factors like personality, previous experience with loss, your relationship to the person you lost, etc.
It is important to pause and sit with your grief. Those feelings need to be felt and heard in order for you to begin to move past them. That doesn’t mean that you will forget the person you’re grieving or that you care about them any less, it just means you’re healing.
Grief tends to be sporadic, a bad day or bad week followed by a week of feeling fine. Sometimes grief comes out of nowhere years later but it’s normal and healthy for you to feel all of these things at any point in time.
Don’t cling onto how others expect you to grieve; do it the way it feels best for you.
Depression is chronic and long lasting and may emerge as a result of grief.
Not only do you feel sad and miss the person you lost but you also experience feelings of apathy, and hopelessness. The things that used to bring you joy don’t anymore and you will struggle with what used to seem like minute tasks such as getting out of bed in the morning.
Depression can become a serious disorder and letting it get worse without treatment can cause you to needlessly suffer for much longer then you should.
We know how hard it is to ask for help and we know how hard it is to learn to live with the loss of a loved one which means we also know that seeking help for depression caused by grief can sometimes feel like a betrayal; like you’re using therapy as a way to forget this person but this is not the case.
If you find symptoms like sadness, hopelessness, sleep changes, changes in eating habits persist and feel so though they are getting worse rather than better it may be time to seek counselling.
Depression is treatable and there are many people ready to help you when you are, including friends, family, therapists, grief counselors, and more.
Ways to Deal With Grief
There are both physical and emotional symptoms that come with grief. It is a serious condition and one that is quite difficult to ignore.
Those who experience grief often describe it as coming and going. There are good days and bad days.
Emotional symptoms may hit you some days without warning, and those emotions can vary from sadness to anger to joy. You may feel emotionally detached from your emotions as though you’re having an out of body experience. A ghost walking through life. Grief reactions are complex and not easy to explain or to experience.
Emotional symptoms of grief include:
Shock
Feeling numb
Denial and guilt
Helplessness
Depression and yearning
Physical symptoms also accompany grief. They can be debilitating and make it incredibly hard for you to take care of yourself. These symptoms also come and go.
Physical symptoms of grief include:
Headaches
Dry mouth
Shortness of breath
Nausea
Stomach pain
Fatigue
Lack of appetite or increase of appetites
There are ways to cope with this however. Patience and time are crucial in coping with grief. There are a couple ways to work through the grieving process. They are explained in more depth below.
Practicing self care is the first. You must remember that you and your body have been through something traumatic. You not only need to take care of your mental health but your physical health as well. You can do this by trying to get seven to eight hours of sleep per night, taking naps if needed, exercising even if it’s just a short walk, eating nutritious meals, or warm baths. Anything that makes you feel a little bit better physically.
Routines help a lot when trying to get back to the normalcy you had prior to the loss. Emotions come and go in tidal waves and it’s hard to stay grounded or on a schedule. Having a routine gives you something to control when everything in your life feels out of control.
Being in tune with your emotions is another way to cope with grief. Trying to distract yourself whenever you feel a flood of emotions come in isn’t always healthy nor is it helpful. It’s important to not be ashamed to cry or yell or feel all the things you need to in order to grieve your loss. Journaling is a great way to help get those emotions on paper and work through them at your own pace.
Isolating yourself may feel like the best thing for you to do as to not burden anyone else but you actually want to do the opposite. You want to lean on your support systems. It’s important to be able to be open and honest with your spouse as they lost the little one just as you have. If families and friends become too overwhelming be sure to communicate that.
Seek counselling if the weight of the loss becomes something you feel you can no longer carry on your own. There are people other than family that are here to help you too! They can help you navigate the minefield of emotions following pregnancy and infant loss and can actually help with the grieving process.
How to Help Loved Ones Coping with Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss
If it's not you experiencing the loss directly and you found this page as a way to help a loved one who is going through it we have some suggestions for you too. Be present when they need you. Try to strike a balance between giving them space but making yourself available if they do reach out for help. Asking for help or admitting that you are not okay is not an easy feat and if you are ready to be there for them when they do come to you that will help a lot.
Offer help with mundane tasks. Sometimes the little things are the hardest to do when you’re grieving. Offer to help them clean or maybe cook some meals they can quickly reheat, laundry, everyday tasks that might just be too much for them to accomplish right now.
Let them know you are okay if they need to talk to you. Don’t pressure them into talking about their feelings, give them a chance to open up themselves first. When one is grieving it's important to know that they have a support system they can reach out to when they feel ready. One that is giving them the time to sort through their own feelings before having to talk about them.
Be sure not to make the loss seem unimportant. Perhaps you have had a miscarriage before and know that you can get pregnant after. Although you may find this information helpful, that might not be what they need at the time. The loss is new and raw and real for them, minimizing it is the worst thing you could do.
Follow the parents’ lead. Each parent may be experiencing the loss vastly differently. Take their pace and treat them as individuals. They may not be experiencing or dealing with grief as a couple. They each may have their own coping mechanisms as well. Just make sure you’re taking them into account before you do something for them that you would like done for you. Everyone is different!
Considering Counselling
If grieving is becoming a harder and harder thing for you to cope with it may be time to seek counselling.
Just as grief is personalized so is counselling, you need to find the counsellor and type of counselling that works best for you.
Mount Sinai has a therapeutic group for those who have experienced pregnancy loss at 20 weeks or later. Some find it helpful to do group therapy in these situations as they get to interact with others who are dealing or have dealt with similar circumstances
Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre has the Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Network which helps families work through the loss.
Toronto Therapy Practice has several therapists who specialize in pregnancy loss counselling. This gives you a safe and warm space to be able to verbalize your feelings and work through them with a licensed therapist.
