Not Here For The Right Reasons? Understanding Attachment Styles Through Reality TV
You've definitely heard of attachment styles, and may even know what yours is. Attachment styles are important for various therapy methods including EFT and so getting to know yours is a good step. In this blog, we will explain the varying attachment styles and what they look like in relationships.
There are two umbrellas of attachment styles, secure and insecure. Secure only has one attachment style underneath its umbrella and that is obviously secure attachment. Under insecure we have the three attachment styles you're probably familiar with: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment.
If you've watched reality dating shows, you've likely seen these attachment styles play out. For instance, Taylor and Garreth from Love is Blind season 7 demonstrated secure attachment through their consistent communication and trust-building, while other contestants showed various forms of insecure attachment that we'll explore throughout this blog.
Attachment styles can change! For instance, 30% of people will undergo changes in their attachment styles throughout various periods of their lives. Those with secure attachment in childhood tend to have securely attached relationships but these things change. Just because right now you may fall into one of the insecure attachment categories doesn't mean you're destined to stay there.
Different Attachment Styles
As mentioned earlier, there are the two groups of attachment styles, insecure and secure. Attachment styles tend to form in childhood and may shape the way we see relationships throughout our lives.
Let's explore each attachment style through both psychological understanding and real-world examples from dating shows that many of us have watched.
Secure
If your parents/caregivers were attentive and attuned to all of your needs, it's highly likely you developed a secure attachment style. Those with secure attachment have high emotional regulation, are comfortable sharing their emotions, are strong communicators, trust others, have good self-esteem and display empathy.
We see this beautifully demonstrated by Taylor and Garreth from Love is Blind season 7. Despite the show's unusual premise, they showed secure attachment through:
Open communication about their fears and hopes
Ability to handle conflict constructively
Consistent emotional availability to each other
Maintaining independence while building a strong connection
Anxious Attachment Style
This attachment style is oftentimes fueled by the fear of being abandoned. No matter what sort of relationship they are in, even if it's secure, an anxiously attached person is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We see this illustrated through Jenn Tran's journey on The Bachelorette. Her experience particularly resonates because:
She openly acknowledged how her father's absence during childhood impacted her attachment style
Her fear of abandonment manifested in needing extra reassurance in relationships
She showed self-awareness about feeling she had to "work hard" to be loved
Despite being The Bachelorette with multiple men pursuing her, she still struggled with feeling "enough"
Her story helps us understand how childhood experiences with caregivers can shape our adult attachment patterns, and how these patterns show up even when we're consciously aware of them.
Two different kinds of anxious attachments
1. Anxious Ambivalent
This person is often hyper-focused on the fear of being rejected, yet tends to become even closer to their partner when their attachment is triggered. Those with anxious ambivalent attachment often had parents who were inconsistent with meeting their needs in childhood - sometimes attentive and other times not.
Expanding further on The Bachelorette Jenn Tran's experience offers complex insights into anxious ambivalent attachment. While the show highlighted her openness about past trauma with an absent father, her dating patterns revealed:
Pursuing intense physical connections as proof of being "enough" (particularly with Sam M.)
Bonding over shared trauma histories instead of present-day connection (with Devin)
Surface vulnerability about past wounds while struggling with deeper present-day intimacy
Difficulty breaking validation-seeking patterns despite trauma awareness
However, we should note that reality TV editing often:
Emphasizes dramatic backstories over quiet moments of growth
May omit scenes showing healthy relationship development
Compresses timelines in ways that can amplify attachment patterns
Potentially encourages focus on past trauma over present connection
2. Anxious Avoidant
People with this attachment style also fear rejection but instead of trying to be closer to their partner, they avoid the possibility altogether. While they want a partner and want a connection, their behavior often says otherwise. Anxious avoidant people probably had parents who were often unavailable. This made the child become very self-reliant, knowing that they can't depend on others.
Victoria Fuller from Peter Weber's season of The Bachelor demonstrated this pattern:
Would create drama or conflicts when things got too intimate
Expressed wanting love while simultaneously sabotaging connections
Struggled to accept genuine affection when offered
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with avoidant attachment often come from families with parents who were emotionally distant or strict. They avoid emotional closeness in relationships, maintaining a wall between themselves and their partner by rarely opening up fully.
This pattern was clearly demonstrated by Shake from Love is Blind season 2:
Focused heavily on surface-level aspects of relationships
Used his career success and confidence as a shield
Struggled to form deep emotional connections despite claiming to want them
Created emotional distance through criticism and deflection
Similarly, "Pilot Pete" Weber from The Bachelor showed classic avoidant tendencies:
Consistently pulled away when relationships got emotionally intense
Focused on his career as a pilot over deeper emotional connections
Had difficulty making firm commitments despite having multiple strong connections
Would often seem emotionally unavailable when partners needed deeper intimacy
On his season of The Bachelor, many viewers and commentators noted that he often appeared emotionally unavailable, particularly when contestants expressed a desire for deeper emotional connections. His decisions often reflected a preference for dramatic or emotionally charged relationships, which led to criticism of his handling of serious conversations and his tendency to reward dramatic displays rather than genuine emotional intimacy.
For instance, Peter's interactions with women like Madison Prewett highlighted significant compatibility issues rooted in their differing values and lifestyles. Despite this, he pursued relationships that often lacked clear alignment, which contributed to a sense of emotional inconsistency. Additionally, his choice to continue relationships with contestants like Victoria Fuller—despite ongoing conflicts—suggested a pattern of gravitating toward emotionally complex dynamics rather than stable, deep connections
.This behaviour might reflect Peter's personal romantic tendencies or his difficulty in navigating the highly pressurized and performative environment of the show.
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to cope with things on their own and rarely ask for emotional support. They appear confident and are often successful, which can attract many people, but their relationships tend to stay surface-level as they avoid deeper connections.
Disorganized Attachment Style
Adults with disorganized attachment don't have consistency in their behaviours. They want closeness with others but their experiences taught them that this isn't safe or consistent.
On Bachelor in Paradise, we often see this attachment style play out in dramatic ways. Contestants might:
Intensely pursue a connection one day, then completely shut down the next
Show contradictory behaviours like seeking attention while pushing people away
Get involved in dramatic situations that mirror past relationship patterns
Struggle to maintain consistent emotional responses in relationships
Considering Counselling
As stated at the beginning of this blog, attachment styles can change and you can change them!
We've seen this transformation journey even on reality TV. For instance, Zach and Bliss from Love is Blind season 5 demonstrate how couples can work through attachment issues together. Their journey from Zach's initial avoidant patterns to building a secure, committed relationship shows how self-awareness and devoted work can transform attachment styles.
While reality TV shows often highlight attachment struggles, real healing happens through dedicated therapeutic work. There are many incredible therapists and forms of therapy to look into when considering working through your attachment style. While reality shows demonstrate attachment patterns playing out dramatically, therapeutic approaches like CBT, EFT, psychodynamic, interpersonal, and relational therapy provide structured ways to understand and heal attachment wounds. Each approach offers unique tools - from CBT's focus on thought patterns to psychodynamic therapy's exploration of early relationships, and interpersonal/relational therapy's emphasis on current relationship dynamics. Unlike the compressed timeline of reality TV, these therapeutic approaches allow for deep, lasting change at your own pace.
Toronto Therapy Practice has a plethora of amazing therapists ready to help you when you are. Click the link below to book a free consultation today to see if we're right for you!
